It's been a long while since the last time I felt any spiritual development. I can't say I don't know why- the truth is I haven't been trying hard enough. I *have* tried and I pray everyday more than once a day, I don't think I could breathe if I didn't. but for a year now I've been feeling spiritually and morally paralyzed. I feel I don't have the energy to go forward and I feel that I've regressed a lot. and when I think of what I want in order to create myself out of this situation- I realize I only feel pain and fear. I've lost the tools within me to create something positive. there's nothing left for me to want that I haven't lost. and I'm even scared of feeling extreme happiness again. because the last time I felt it, I lost it all suddenly. I'm so ashamed to say that I've lost trust in things.
I would be ungrateful if I don't admit that a lot of my emotional pain and physical weakness is gone. but since it sort of subsided, I just feel stagnant. and things look so.. gray. I want my old life back, but I know I can't have it and I know its not the will of the Universe. and I'm too tired to make another and I spent so much energy to just get back on my feet again and *appear* stable and functional.
I feel like I'm in a desert. and there's nothing for miles and miles and if I wanted something, I'd have to travel far with this very limp body. but I don't have what it takes to do it. and I stopped believing in this oasis. and I don't even know what I want. I forgot what it feels like to be confident. I forgot HOW to be confident. I'd like to hope again, but what if it turns out exactly like before? all disappointments and nothing but the knowledge that I don't know a thing and that very little is actually in my hands without the will of the Creator. The last part is alright with me.. except I'm frightened that our wills do not agree and in the end, I cant help submitting to Him. and I'm just left with waiting and an inner wasteland.
I hope you kick my butt and help me snap out of it. it's been too long since I breathed. Z.
At times you experience tremendous expansion in your reality. It grows quickly and with little effort. Then without warning everything falls apart and it seems like you have taken many steps backward. What has happened is you have fell victim to reality creating conflicts. You have created several things in your reality that are fundamentally opposed to each other. As a result, your reality only goes so far and then quickly disintegrates because the diverse reality creating cannot go any further. Usually when this happens you fall fast and hard. It seems like all your RC powers are gone. What has happened is your reality has reshaped to a point back before you started creating all these incompatible realities.
The fix is to be more careful in the future when creating multiple things in your life. Be careful when you add something new to the mix, and see if it is fitting into what you have already created. Your reality gave you warnings that it would not stay together. You may not have seen them then, but you certainly can think back and see them now. Be more wise. When something is not fitting right, fix it right away and not later. This may mean changing this new creation or perhaps changing your existing reality creations, or getting rid of one of them. If you do this, you will not experience the reality crash in creating you are experiencing now.
You are a great reality creator! Look how far you got with the creations you were working on. They just did not work together, that was your only mistake. Otherwise, you have the power to change your life and start reality creating at any time.
The period you are in now is a period of reflection and mourning. It is normal. You have to take stock of what happened. You have to understand what went wrong so you can progress forward again. You are sad because what you wanted did not work out and you are mad at yourself for not being able to make it work. Not all creations can work together and this is the lesson here.
With some tweaking and careful steps you will begin again to rebuild, much wiser hopefully and armed with new energy and new direction. Just figure out how long you need to mourn the last reality creating crash and then move forward again into a new productive and fertile reality creating land. Start with something small to create in your life that is meaningful then work on something else. Try not to create more than one thing at a time and be patient. It is normal to tread more carefully the second time, as unconsciously you are trying not to make the same mistakes, so reality creating may seem harder at first. It is not, you are just being more careful.